The first Sunday of the Michaelmas Term and there's a full house of Muffins and two guests. The first is kosher and is Nat, a basketball star belonging to Brett and wearing Turbo's spare boots. The second is some random bloke who looks like Alastair Darling and foists himself, unbidden, on Nance, Fat-Boy and Tate on the 3rd fairway. Why he wasn't told to eff-off is not clear.

Anyway, Brett and the Harlem Globetrotter are joined by Cutie-Cutie and DJ and Turbo are with Mr. Grumpy. the main topics of conversation are the lack of any solid credentials offered by Gerard Houllier which, from the neutral's perspective will make him such a good choice for the Villa and Wayne Rooney's alleged liaisons with a hooker whilst Colleen was up the duff. So, another high profile football divorce in prospect and Cheryl - if you're not getting any, you should be aware that Nance has volunteered to help out.

Golf-wise Brett hits the jackpot for the second consecutive week and is joined at the head of affairs by DJ. It's believed that the DJ and Fat-Boy led trios halved the team result. DJ is only in one bunker all morning, but crucially it's on the last hole and the fact that he gets up and down for par is scant consolation.

The Secret Lives of the Muffins
(No 1 in an occasional series)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPOTjNNnekg&feature=related 