It's the second week of the winter Strictly Come Golfing Competition, but as the Villa Three have strangely prioritised watching losing at home to Middlesborough and it's a non-Cutie-Cutie week, there's only 4 on the tee.

It's been wazzing down overnight and there's more leaves on the course than you could shake a stick at thus obscuring any balls not finding the middle of the fairway (also more than you could shake a stick at).

Fat-Boy is on the "Slimmers World" diet and has lost 7 pounds (allegedly) but still summons up the strength to throw up the balls and pairs himself with Mr. Grumpy. It's a third tee start and by the sixth hole Brett's game reminds one of the tale of the Three Little Pigs - lot's of huffing and puffing but nothing that's going to blow the house down. His putter is stone cold, but as he gradually warms it up, the malaise spreads to Nance who leads "greens in regulation" but manages to leave 8 out of his ten birdie putts short.

With Fat-Boy and Mr. Grumpy kntting together well, they take the front nine 22 points to 20 and with the back nine halved in 20, it's a popular victory for Fat-Boy Slim and The Grumpster.

Individually this week's Austin Healey is Brett with 36 points whilst this week's John Sargeant is Fat-Boy with 29. Brett collects 9 camels - a total restricted because of the increasingly popular "de-cameling".

As Tate and DJ now head for warmer climes, a six-ball is predicted for Week Three, but if the Slimmer's World diet is as good Fat-Boy says it is, and he turns sideways, we may yet think he's gone home.