Match One of Summer 2012 and the Hon. Sec. achieves a 100% turn out, albeit Tate's welcome return is limited to 9 holes. Nonetheless he sticks around long enough to buy all the sarnies and the coffee.

Fat-Boy's toss pairs him with Nance and Mr. Grumpy and once again Fat-Boy's motivational captaincy is crucial in propelling them to a narrow but clear £4 victory. Key phrases include "you f**king wanker" and "you complete tosser" such that Mr. Grumpy and Nance have no doubt it's their responsibility to shape up or ship out. As Nance remarks - "not so much the man-management skills of Stuart Lancaster - more Penny Lancaster." Mind-you, Fat-Boy does at least have the decency to collect the camels.

The post-match drinks afford the opportunity for a settling of many weeks of back-fines. Top contributor is DJ closely followed by Turbo after which Mr. Grumpy returns home with a bulging pocket full of swag. IF there was any prospect of a Tour, the pink purse would be bulging.

After Match One, Nance heads the table with an immaculate average of 10 and having transcribed Cutie-Cutie's tiny but immaculate scorecard, Mr. Grumpy is now off to Specsavers.

 